past blues

Have I ever talked about the girl that ruined my relationship? Have I ever talked about the girl who ruined everything I believe love is about?

Have I ever talked about that girl? She who took away who used to be the center of my world?

When it happened, I promised myself I would someday forgive her and hopefully, forget how she managed to turn my life upside down. It had been three years already. I have never met the girl, at least not personally. We do not have common friends, not that I know of. We don't attend the same school nor live in the same town. The only connection we had and have is that of the most important one--we loved the same man.

Could I blame her that she loved the man who once made my heart jump endlessly for joy and who also shuttered that same heart? No.

I am not a hypocrite. I know what he is capable of doing; I know how he can turn a woman's heart to mush. I am not blind to his charm nor am I indifferent to how he make other women feel. I, too, was a victim of those stares, those words, and that aimless flirting.

I was not immune to those charms so, how can I expect others to be? Everyone was falling at his feet, me included. Those were the times... and I have come to expect that when you hear his name, a legion of other names (girls' of course) will come after it.

I knew it then and know it now. If anything, I understand the girl, in many ways than she can ever imagine.

What I failed to expect and anticipate is that someone would intentionally, if not forcefully, take him away from me, and that he'll make it easy--much too easy, I might say.

I do not hate easily. Even now, I cannot say I hate the girl. But I despise her in ways that are deeper but lighter than "hate." I despise her kind and the feelings she made me feel. I despise the ways she used to take him. I would have gladly fought her--face to face, toe to toe--if I knew who and what I was facing back then. But I didn't. She took him without my knowledge. She took him while my back was turned. And the most hateful, painful part is...

he made it possible for her to do so.

Do I hate him? Do I hate her? Yes and... no. I have learned, over the years, to accept the facts I have been faced with.

The love of my life never really loved me the way I wanted to or at least, deserved to be.

The man who I made the center of my life loved me in a way which was useless and meaningless for the both of us. He loved me emptily. He never tried to go beyond what he already knew of me and instead, loved me the way he used to when we were in elementary, in high school--childish and often time, destructive and insecure.

He who trampled on my heart have proven over and over that we are not meant to be.

In this life, I have experienced loving and losing. I have loved a man and lost him to another girl. At times, I can see the reflection of the love I had for him in that girl. The endless loving and the desperate attempts to make him love me back--its all there, like a poisonous venom slowly seeping into my veins.

I can see it. It was in me. Then, it was on hers.

We are victims of the same love, of the same man. Yet, I have never hurt anyone just to get him to look my way. I have never trampled on anyone's heart just so I can have him for myself. I have never pushed anyone to the side just to have his love.

I loved him and he loved me. Perhaps imperfectly, but never did I once broke somebody's heart just to meet my end.

But that... that I cannot say about her.

At times, I lie awake, my eyes full of tears and blame it on her--she who once made my life miserable.

Can I forgive? Can I forget?

My heart has yet to answer those questions.

I am not a hypocrite. I love and so I hate.

Once in a lifetime

I have read many things about friendship and yet, I can't still find a phrase that would suit the kind of friendship I have with my friends.

We are not perfect. Oh, that we sure are not. But we love each other and that's what makes this friendship perfect, if not the people in it.

We have our share of trials and challenges, obstacles we though we could never surpass. The test comes in all forms--jealousy, competition, misunderstanding, and the trivial things that makes fighting all the more interesting. I never thought I'd come to the point of admitting I cannot leave without the people who once made my life miserable.

I never thought I would come to love them--them who I once swore can never compete with my friends back in my old school.

Who would have thought that a decade later, the same people who I deem are responsible for the misery I felt those days would be the same people that gives me happiness and contentment right now.

There is nothing in this world that can compare to the treasures of friendship I found with them. Sure, we had days when we can almost literally kill each other but that's part of the wonders of this friendship.

Words are useless. Even the hundreds of pics we took of each other are useless. It would be futile to try to explain the kind of friendship we had. You have to be there to feel the joy, share in the laughter, and experience the bond that only true and everlasting friendship can have.

They say life means nothing if you don't share them. I say, my life would not have meant anything if I didn't meet the people I call SPUTNIK.